Homing in on hosts and houseguests

A few thoughts that may be particularly resonant with anyone spending this morning waiting for Thanksgiving weekend guests to leave.

It will come as no surprise that many of the journeys taking place over the coming holiday month will involve someone being a guest in someone else's home. It is estimated that more than half of the nearly 1 billion leisure trips Americans will take this year include over-nights spent in the homes of relatives and friends.

Having close relatives as house guests, whether they're children, parents or siblings, certainly involves different dynamics than entertaining distant cousins and casual acquaintances. The same goes for those who avail themselves of someone's hospitality. Staying in someone's home rather than a nearby hotel can be a warm, wonderful experience. It can also be a recipe for disaster. Ben Franklin was not the first host to observe something to the effect that fish and visitors begin to stink after three days.

It matters not whether the host is a close friend or a distant cousin -- these visits always involve a delicate etiquette. Despite everyone's best intentions, staying in somebody's house is always an intrusion and distraction from the host's routines. And no matter how hospitable a host may be, guests can never really be "at home."

The subtle nuances of being a good host or good guest vary from house to house across the country and around the world. Sensitivity, thoughtfulness and tact are always key elements of gracious hospitality, both for the host and the guest, and certain protocols hold true everywhere.

For example, it's usually a good idea for guest and host to be specific about the dates of the visit, both the arrival and the departure times. Nothing gets a visit off to a bad start like showing up unexpectedly early or two days late. And if your schedule changes, be sure to call and let your host know.

And make sure you're both on the same page regarding the stay's duration. For some people, weekend visits end on Sunday afternoon; for others it means Monday morning. Being clear up front will avoid unpleasant misunderstandings, even if the visit later winds up being mutually extended.

And don't feel obligated. If friends want to visit at a time that's inconvenient for you, it's better to be honest and ask them to reschedule their trip than it is to suffer through a relationship-ending experience. If they insist, ask yourself whether their primary motivation is a free bed. If you think it is, don't hesitate to suggest they make a reservation at a nearby hotel.

Complete and honest advance disclosure should apply to other issues and expectations of both guests and hosts. This caveat is especially true if the visit involves bringing along children, pets or a co-habitant to whom you're not married. Let your host know if you have any special sleep, dietary or medical needs, such as severe snoring or allergies to pet dander.

Other tips for hosts: Before the visit, look around your guest room and ask yourself if it's a place where you'd like to sleep. In addition to providing a comfortable bed, clean linen and any special personal flourishes you feel your guests might enjoy, allow your guest space for privacy. While it's good to think about activities your guests might enjoy, entertaining them 24 hours a day is generally not your responsibility. If you have other pressing matters to attend to, tell your visitors.

If you're the guest, above all, be considerate and appreciative. No matter how often you hear them say, "my home is your home," remember it isn't really true.

Bringing a small present is a good way to get things off on the right foot. Classic gifts include houseplants, jams, tea and coffee -- things that will last beyond your stay.

Ask what the basic rules of the house are and observe them. Do your best to not disrupt the house's regular rhythms, especially during the morning bathroom rush, the preparation of meals and at bedtime.

Because you're not staying at a hotel, don't expect maid service. Make your bed and keep your room and bathroom tidy. If the visit involves meals, offer to help your host with chores such as cooking and clean-up. Because some folks really do prefer to do it themselves, don't insist if they say "no" more than three times. Offering to take your hosts out for a dinner or financing a trip to the grocery store are other good ways to show your appreciation.

On the day of departure, remember to remove the bed sheets. If you didn't bring a gift, it would be good to leave a token of your appreciation. At the very least, send a thank-you note with an offer to return the hospitality. Even in this digital age, hand-written messages, even short ones, convey a special meaning.

Although there are no hard and fast rules, being aware of the principles that govern guest/host relations is the best way to ensure a smooth and pleasant sojourn for all.

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